Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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