He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
