I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
