My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
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That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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