the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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