I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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