Jerry, you need to find god
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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