He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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