I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
