meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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