She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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