And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
