Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
