I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
