sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
