2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
