i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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