Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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