Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
