I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
