i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
