I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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