i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
