We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
