It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
