Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
