Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
