another moral hangover. fuck.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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