Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
