I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My pussy is not your playground.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
