So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
