sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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