i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
