I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
