thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
