I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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