Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
