don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
