I think im going to throw up on grandma
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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