Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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