i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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