but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
