I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
