another moral hangover. fuck.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
