she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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