maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
