I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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