The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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