I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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