I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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