Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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