Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
