quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
