me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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