I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
