She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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