it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
