I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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